Blog with Matthew

Emotion and Their Physical Responses

A FEEL reader writes:

Thank you very much for the book, Feel. It is a terrific help to me in my journey to personal freedom in Christ.

One issue I was looking to understand better is how emotions are tagged to physical responses. You wrote how that's why the Church and rationalists suppress emotions. I have observed how certain emotions relate to physical responses both good and bad and the opposite is true too. I think it conditions us to gratify or repress certain emotions or seek to gratify or repress certain physical responses.

Don

Great Questions Don, here are some thoughts.

This is something we all wrestle with, what feelings in our bodies are tied to our emotions, and what feelings are just because we are bodies are reacting to something directly?  On a basic level, emotions are not necessarily linked to a particular feeling in our body. In early psychology, William James and others, wanted to find a permanent link for every emotion to a particular sensation so they could study emotions by looking at how the body felt.  But nobody could do that successfully.  In fact, researchers were so unsuccessful that they had to move on – there is no sure way to measure or quantify an emotion by how your body is feeling. 

If we look at philosophy, we also find very strong arguments for the fact that emotions are only necessarily linked to our thoughts, values and judgments and require no corresponding feeling in our body.  They are independent from bodily sensation.  For more on this, you need to read the early sections of Faithful Feelings.

That is good to know, because it means we need to be careful in figuring out one to one correlations with what we are feeling emotionally and what our body feels physically.  Our body relates to our emotions, but it relates to all manner of other things as well, so the signals it is giving us can be based on a combination of all kinds of things. 

On a  practical level, our emotions very often find expression in our bodies.  How our bodies feel can be used as one indicator of the intensity and nature of an emotion we are experiencing.  We can cry in sorrow or we can cry for joy  or we can cry because we just hit our thumb with a hammer – a person on the outside may interpret our tears as sorrow when in fact they are for happiness.  Only us, who know why we are crying, can correctly interpret the tears.  But even we need to be careful.  Are we crying over “spilled milk” (something minor) because it is really that upsetting, or is it because our bodies are stressed and exhausted?  Each situation requires its own unique analysis.  As we mature, we get better and better at figuring these things out quickly and correctly.

We need to recognize that we are complex, that we are so integrated that each part of us is so deeply interrelated – the rational, the physical, the emotional – that they are all always reacting to each other.  Sometimes, it is easy to tell how our emotions are affecting us physically.  Other times we need to do a little digging, even getting some help to unravel our feelings and emotions and learn how to be more mature emotionally and spiritually.  I believe that as we do that, we can undo some of the unhelpful links our mind has created between our bodies and our emotions – like we get sick to our stomach building toward an ulcer when we increase in anxiety -  while learning healthy emotional expressions in our body.  We need to learn to face hard emotions as emotions, not allowing them to destroy and harm our bodies as they have to leak out somewhere.  We can also learn healthy physical expressions for our love, joy as we let them out to bless our families and friends in laughter, hugs, or other forms of expression and affection.

Fear and Salvation

Brian recently wrote to us at Faithful Feelings about his fear and anxiety.  Here are some of his struggles in his own words, followed by our thoughts:

Dear Faithful Feelings,

I am working through your book primarily because of a struggle that has cropped up in my life in the last three years.  You can definitely lump me in with one of those long-time Christians who seems to have boatloads of head knowledge, but is seemingly incapable of getting much of what I know to sink in much below my neck.  I have the list of excuses, I came from an abusive, broken home where positive emotion was rarely, if ever, displayed, but where manipulation, anger, silence, and stoicism ruled the day.  I went through the typical cycles of alcohol and drug abuse and still struggle with pornography - a problem that started with my introduction to it at the age of 8, though thankfully I finally seem to be getting some victory over it after 30 years.

Oddly, my problem, and question, really doesn't have anything to do with my emptiness and lack of emotion, I understand that much of that comes from a detachment I developed in order to not have to deal with the pain that was a constant part of my experience growing up.

What is truly bothering me, and it really hit me hard while reading Chapter 7, was my feelings of FEAR toward God.  Why does this bother me?  Well, that's easy.  If my emotions are to be trusted and listened to, and if they are "true" then my feelings of unworthiness are true, even though my rational mind tries to reject them.  You have a quote by Jonathan Edwards that talks about maintaining a lack of "religious affection" that leads to "spiritual death" and eventually "eternal death".

Since this is what I fear, and these emotions are true and to be trusted, I don't know what to do.  There are times when I can see a cross and feel a great fear of judgment and hopelessness, when instead I should feel hope and joy at the grace that cross represents.  Instead, I want to cower in a corner and think about something else.

In this, I desperately feel like I want to believe my head, that I'm saved, covered by grace, and worthy, and Disbelieve my emotions, that I'm worthless, that I've blown it too many times, that I've hardened my heart and that I'm abandoned.

In many ways, your book has helped me a lot with what is, in my case, the more "benign" problem of simply feeling emotionally distant and disconnected.  On the other hand, this latter issue seems to lead me to feel even more emotions of condemnation and hopelessness because I need to "believe" what I feel.

Have you ever encountered this, and do you have any insight for me?

Brian

Here is our response:

Dear Brian,

I am so blessed to hear from you and I am so blessed by your honesty.  We all have deep struggles in a broken and sinful world.  For the first parts of your struggle, I believe that God can be faithful in opening your heart to feel again.  Start opening doors to everyday emotions, and ask God earnestly for more, that you need and want more love, more joy, more hope, more of Him.  Please write me again when you have finished the book – perhaps the next chapters will help in this regard.

For the paragraphs about fear, praise God, this is an easy answer.  As John writes to us:    ”I have written this to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life.”  My point in FEEL, which I hope you will see clearly, as your read on, is that emotions tell you the truth about YOU, your beliefs, your values, your thoughts – not that they always tell you the truth.  Many times they can tell you the truth about others or the world and we need to listen, but other times they are only speaking the truth about your beliefs and thinking.  I too battle feelings of anxiety and questioning of God’s promises and sometimes I am afraid.  And we all may be there sometimes until we are with Him. 

As John also tells us, we all remain sinners and whoever says he is without sin is a liar and deceives themselves.  You ARE covered by the grace and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He promises that even when we are faithless he remains faithful because he cannot deny himself.  It is tough, and a process, but you must work the head knowledge down into your heart.  Memorize promises that say how God really feels about you, call a friend in a down moment, talk to a pastor after church, find a good counselor, shoot me an email – do whatever it takes to begin to change those deeply held beliefs that inform the fear.  God has called you, God has found you, God has loved you with an everlasting love if you have believed on the Lord Jesus and accepted his sacrifice for your sins.   Come against the lies that our enemy tells, and work the truth into the fabric of your life.  As your faith and trust grows, as God’s truth is not just known but believed then your emotions will change.  This is a hard thing because it is not about what we say we believe but rather about what we actually believe deep down.  It may take some wrestling with God to get there, some brutal honesty about your hurt and anger and fear.  God is big enough to take it all and love you anyway as his precious child.  Nothing you can say to him will surprise Him, He already knows.  Let it all out and feel His loving embrace of comfort and acceptance.  He will come to heal you as you trust in Him- I believe.

Bless you Brian, and God be close to you.  With love and prayers.

Obedience and feeling ... good, bad, indifferent.

"If you love Me you will do what I command ... My command is this: love one another." John 14 & 15.  "If your child comes to you disobedient, troubled, irritating ... love him/her; if a muslim walks into your church, love him/her ... " PastorCarl Buffington, New Covenant Church.  "The least remembered of the 10 Commandments is 'Honor your mother and father'", Dennis Rainey, Real Family Life.

So what does it mean to be obedient, to honor, to love?  To follow "my Father's commands"?  Listen to that 'nudge' and follow through...follow directions...do what my spouse asks in a timely manner...do not lie, ever...do not cheat, ever. Be kind to that irritating person or love that irritating person? And what about the 'white lies' or the sarcastic, goofing around kind of cheating or the bending of the rules like '7 miles over the speed limit is okay'?

Obedience is no easy task ... simple maybe, but not easy. Since 2006, I have felt compelled to start a skate boarding minisry in honor and rememberance of our son Luke.  For those of you who do not know, Luke died suddenly in 2005 from Ehlers Danlos (VEDS). Luke was a skater, I was a fearful "sk8 mom" and was blessed when a Christian Skate DVD fell into my hands. We were successful in teaching Luke about being a light in a dark world; we trust that Luke is skating with Jesus eternally.

I do not look like a skater, nor does my husband.  I have picked up a few words here and there like 'sweet', 'sick', 'dude' (still works), 'gnarly' (yep, that word is still around), and 'cool' (of course).  But only a few, I do not dress like a skater, and sometimes all the tatoos find me staring too long at an arm or leg.  And yet, I have heard from God that we are to "love even these"...I have heard to "build a fortress (community)to protect our youth (skaters)" ... obedience, honor, love. 

So for over 3 years, we have been trying to build something to love and protect.  There have been many days where I have questioned this command, I have ignored the stuff I was being nudged about or have pushed hard to do it my way and not wait for God to provide the way. I have been discouraged, ignored, laughed at (bad feelings) ... I have ignored, put on the back burner, 'not now'-ed (indifferent feelings) ... and I have been encouraged, supported, built up, helped (good feelings).

Yesterday we successfully had our first "free sk8" ... we provided free everything for any skater that showed up.  Admission to the skate park, free hot dogs, chips, water, energy drinks, gatorade, t-shirts, decks, stickers ... really, not one thing did we charge for ... we just smiled, shown brightly, and gave a day of fun. And this morning, filled with mixed up feelings, I am preparing for a meeting with our team and board to discuss, pray about and discern 'just how often can we do this?'

Being obedient does not always feel good.  Being obedient often stinks. Especially while we are making the decision to be obedient ... and yet, "if you love me, do as my Father commands".  "Feel" is about dealing with good and bad feelings while following His commands. It is about learning to use our emotions (good or bad) to become a light in our dark world. To make our dark world a loving and beautiful place for others...to be in relationship with others, to love one another.  So when have you struggled with obedience and feelings, good, bad or indifferent?

Emotions and Feelings

Mike asks a great question this week: “When I reached the 7th blog in your book I was shocked to read the part that says that emotions and feelings are different. When I read through the chapter I see your point and I agree that they differ but there are some things in which I cannot pin point the whether they are feelings or emotions, I am really confused when it comes to this matter. Things like love, I know that love has a feeling and it has an emotion. There are times where we feel loved and when it is really love and I can’t really see when they differ. Things like laughter, is laughter the emotion or simply the feeling we get from being joyful?”

Wow, that is a lot to think about, Mike.  My major point is that emotions are about our thoughts, our minds, our thinking process.  They are not based or centered in our body or nerves as many early psychologists taught.  See Faithful Feelings for a review of the history of this.  If emotions were based in our body, we could never know the difference between being sick because of the flu and being sick out of being nervous – for example.  The attachment to thinking is what makes the nervous emotional.

We could also look at it like the classic question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg.”  We affirm, the thinking – conscious or unconscious - came first.  Anything else is logically impossible – again see Faithful Feelings.  Feelings, in a strict sense, is what we feel in our bodies and these come after the emotion, are caused by the emotion.  So we laugh at something because we THINK it is funny, we feel butterflies because we THINK something or someone is lovable.  Emotions produce physical feelings in out bodies much of the time – sometimes they do not but most of the time they do.  Yes, sometimes you need to think, “hmm, do I have this stomach thing because of that extra piece of cheesecake or because I am about the propose to my girl?”  If we think about it a bit and give it some time, usually we can figure that out without too much trouble.

Hope that helps Mike, keep pondering these things so you can become emotional mature!

How do you feel ... ? What a question!

How do you Feel?  How many times in a day do you get asked that question?  I wear several “hats”; I am a woman (just celebrated my jubilee year), a wife, a mother, an employee as a project manager for a Fortune 250 Company in Florida, a mentor, a mentee, a counselor (Reg. Intern), a bird watcher and gardener, a runner who can’t run anymore due to injuries, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a follower of Christ.  In each of those roles at any given time I have multiple hats on, yet one is dominant at the moment of inquiry. 

When asked that question, “How do you feel?” my immediate inclination is to respond from the dominant “hat”.  As a mom, my response will likely be related to the child or other relative asking.  As a PM, my response may come from the level of “stress” and unreported activities of that day.  As a follower of Christ … wow. I get stopped right there. How do I feel … sometimes I feel really joyful, happy, peaceful, confident, calm, silly.  And sometimes I feel stressed, sad, angry, frustrated, humiliated.  And how do I handle that as a “follower of Christ”. 

The other day a co-worker came up to me as I was completing a presentation, hanging up the phone from a team member and a meeting reminder was flashing on my computer .  He just poked his head in my cubicle to say “how are you doing?”  “How are you today?” … in essence “How do you feel?”  My immediate inclination was to “bite his head off”; and then he smiled as I was gathering my composure.  I was immediately changed, because of his smile.

Most of my co-workers know that I am a “Christ-ian”; others’ interpret a known Christian’s behavior all the time.  So how does a human, follower of Christ handle those not so Christ-like moments?  I can share with you what I did … and on this occasion I did better than I have done in the past.  And the reason I did better was because he was Christ-like to me first.  He smiled. 

I took a breath, asked him into my cubicle, shared that I was expected at a meeting and trying to complete a presentation all at the same time.  We laughed about our work load and then exchanged quick remarks about being thankful for our jobs.  He shared his update; I thanked him and then arrived 5 minutes late (yet, the first one to the room) for the meeting.

We don’t always have the grace to receive a smile that inevitably softens our first-flash emotions; so what can we do to create a buffer, a cue, a reminder that when we are feeling stressed, angry, frustrated we need to still react with wisdom and love? How do we use the energy from that emotion positively? 

FEEL has some great suggestions, the Bible does too.   I recommend taking a long slow, intentional breath.  Then consider gratitude for the person or the stressor … we rarely get “better” unless we are challenged or made uncomfortable.  With gratitude or compassion for the stressor we begin to stretch toward feeling like Christ might have on many occasions.  When Jesus was burnt out, exhausted, needed rest he still put others first.  He was most emotionally driven by others needs, not his own.  

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” Mark 6: 34.

How do you feel?  Would love to hear from you...Deb

People Matter (Faith Proved by Fact of Feelings #2)

In my devotions this morning I was struck by these words from 1 Corinthians 3:

The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you.  Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.

Then I read this from EM Bounds, "The trend of the day has the tendency to loose sight of the individual, or to sink the individual in the plan or organization.  God's plan, however, is to make much of his people, far more of them than anything else.  People are God's method.  The church is looking for better methods, God is looking for better people."  (Power Through Prayer)

I am a plan guy, a build the organization guy, a strategic planning "Good to Great" guy.  That is not all bad, but it leads to a lot of unneeded stress and unmet expectations and is not the center.  To Paul, people are the center, and that is all to do with how we feel and treat others.  Paul was not into proofs and building organizations as much as was into changed lives.  That is the standard he lived by - "Is God using me to impact those I see and know and touch?"  That is what mattered to him.

So we go back to how we prove the gospel from my last post, by facts or feelings?  Paul argued strongly, he knew his Old Testament practically by heart.  God's word and proving truth mattered in every synagogue he visited.  But the proof to him that it was working, that it was worth it - changed hearts and transformed people.  People around us know that is true as well and they look to our feelings to see if we believe what we say we do.

Faith Proved by Facts or Feelings

I received this question from a FEEL reader and it was timely as I have been thinking about this very thing the last weeks.

I'm curious what implications this has for evangelism which seems to be mostly about apologetics and intellectual reasons for God and Jesus. My husband has not been walking with God for the past few years which is awfully sad to me. Well-meaning people keep giving him books that defend Christianity intellectually. I'm about through with this!  I have felt for a long time that the struggle is for his heart and emotions, which seems to confound other people. I have a sinking feeling that people would rather give him a book than engage him emotionally.  I read your book because of this statement, "The true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel."  I know you meant this for Christians following Christ, but I suspect that emotional health is key for someone who is considering accepting Christ's unconditional love.

What a great question!  First off, let me say that there is a place for facts and proofs - more power to those defending a faith that is true and a God that is truth.  Hard searching for truth will lead people to God.  That said, God's proof is also written on our hearts - has God changed us?  Can people see that in our faces and love for others?  Do we feel it?

If emotions, show us truth, if they are all tied up with what we know and believe we can say all the words to prove God and Jesus but those people are looking to see if these things are true for us, do WE really believe what we say?  Do you love me?  It would be a good exercise to systematize these things in the Bible but some things that come to mind for me include the commands not to divorce an unbeliever, but to live in a way that brings them to God.  The strongest testimonies and proofs for God are written upon our hearts and people know that instinctively.  That is what brings them over the edge - "You will know them by their love."

While we are giving arguments those around us are asking, "do YOU really believe it, do you feel it?"  Emotions show the truth, and to listen to the proofs, people need to see that you believe it in a way that it naturally overflows in real emotions toward God and others.

So how you FEEL about God and others?  Does it line up with the truths you give lip-service to?  For me, all to often it does not and that is when we need to do some business with God to get feeling right.  When people and churches get feelings and proofs together, on the same page, that is when we see people drawn to Jesus.

Blog with B

My sister-in-law Bethany, Auntie Bee, is visiting and also reading FEEL.  So I thought I would lay down my virtual pen and paper and let her have a go.  Beside, you hear enough from me already!  Enjoy.

I have just been informed by my niece that she is going to use my arm as a pillow while my nephew is trying to con a dollar bill off of me to do a magic trick. What is it like to spend the weekend at an author's house? It might come as a surprise to you that we spend more time fending off the mosquitoes from our outdoor waffle breakfast than we did analyzing each others emotions. However this is not to say that there isn't plenty of glee and gloom. With three kids in the house, emotions run the gantlet. Luckily this is my second reading of Feel and I know that God is pleased with how He created us in all our expressions!

Have you ever made it halfway through a book and known that you already wanted to read it again? This book is hard work. An easy read does not mean an easy application. It takes courage to look at how you have been relating to your heart vs your head and make healthy changes. Its is too easy to skim through the main points without allowing the depth of meaning to penetrate how you live. I want to see the deeper truth that grounds the waving red flag of my emotion. I want to be thankful that God has given me spontaneity and outbursts so that what is really going on under the surface of my smiles can point me closer to Him.

Let's get the word out that emotions are a gift! My niece just got a self inflating balloon for her birthday and after 20 minutes of intense hot potato, its leaking. There is a certain maturity that is needed to care for the gifts we are given. We can use or abuse gifts but they are still given as gifts. I know that God is still working on my maturity in my range of emotions but I am thankful for the permission FEEL gives me to be wholehearted in the life God has given me.

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