Blog with Matthew

To the Beach

You are reading this post, I am on a beautiful 16 mile stretch of beach in Oostburg, WI in a little yellow cottage with green shutters making great memories with my family.  We are probably kayaking, beach walking, swimming, or getting the custard of the day at Randall's for like $1 a scoop.  If you want to drop by you are welcome.  Go to Kohler-Andrae State Park, walk the beach south for about 10.6 miles, and look for the yellow cottage with green shutters.  If we are not there, you had a absolutely beautiful 21 mile beach walk and you can try to find us again tomorrow.  Sorry, cell phone service is "not available" so you cannot call ahead.  See you in a couple of weeks!

 

In the Newletter

I was sent a copy of Pastor Eric Johnson's church newsletter at on FEEL and thought I would share it.  Thanks Eric!  How can I empower a better understanding of God's plan for your emotions at your fellowship?

Hello Friends,

Quick quiz:  What is the missing word in each song?

It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I ____ Fine) – R.E.M.
Man! I ____ Like a Woman! – Shania Twain
I ____ Good  – James Brown
Can you ____ it? – The Jacksons

Probably like you, I’ve read many Christian-authored books over the years.  The latest one that I’ve been reading has been the most spiritually impacting book I’ve read in recent years.  It’s simply called FEEL (which is the answer to the quiz).  It’s by Matthew Elliot (my new Facebook friend!).

I grew up in eastern Kentucky, so I’m "Appalachian-American" by birth. I grew up where you did three things with feelings: hide, repress and/or ignore them.  Want to cry?  Hold it in.  Want to scream?  Don’t.  Want to share something you’re struggling with? Better not. 

Through reading this book, the Lord drove it home to me that I’ve always viewed emotions/feelings as a liability, and never an asset.

How many times have you heard . . .?
"Your feelings cannot be trusted."
"Emotions can cloud your thinking."
"God cares about what you believe, not what you feel."

I’ve grown up hearing these statements, from believers, non-believers, and even Christendom.  However, these statements are myths.  Even though we’ve repeatedly heard them, they are unbiblical and untrue.

Many Christians simply aren’t experiencing abundant life.  There can be a heavy focus on doing our duty and living by reason (like our favorite Vulcan Spock!).   When what we know trumps how we feel, it can leave us feeling stolid, dull or like we are suffocating spiritually. Our Heavenly Father wants our passion restored so we can live the life that Jesus came to give us.

In the book, Matthew Elliott takes a deep and powerful look at what our culture and many churches have taught about controlling and ignoring our emotions. He contends that some of the great thinkers of the modern era got it all wrong, and that the Bible teaches that God intends for us to live in and through our emotions. Emotions are good things that God created us to feel.

FEEL has really helped me personally understand my emotions. It’s also equipped me to nurture healthy feelings and reject destructive ones. It’s been refreshing and convicting in so many ways.

A few of the author’s conclusions, which may make you do a double take, are:   1. Emotions were given by God to drive us to our best.  2. Emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives.  3. The true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel.

God gives us permission to feel, to express.  Our spiritual lives don’t have to be dull or uninspiring.

So with that, I want to invite you to walk with the Lord through becoming more emotionally whole and expressive.  God wants you to soar. He wants a "you" more full of vitality and spirit than you can imagine.  It will be an amazing journey, and as we know, the journey is the destination.

Can you feel it?

Pastor Eric

Emotion and Their Physical Responses

A FEEL reader writes:

Thank you very much for the book, Feel. It is a terrific help to me in my journey to personal freedom in Christ.

One issue I was looking to understand better is how emotions are tagged to physical responses. You wrote how that's why the Church and rationalists suppress emotions. I have observed how certain emotions relate to physical responses both good and bad and the opposite is true too. I think it conditions us to gratify or repress certain emotions or seek to gratify or repress certain physical responses.

Don

Great Questions Don, here are some thoughts.

This is something we all wrestle with, what feelings in our bodies are tied to our emotions, and what feelings are just because we are bodies are reacting to something directly?  On a basic level, emotions are not necessarily linked to a particular feeling in our body. In early psychology, William James and others, wanted to find a permanent link for every emotion to a particular sensation so they could study emotions by looking at how the body felt.  But nobody could do that successfully.  In fact, researchers were so unsuccessful that they had to move on – there is no sure way to measure or quantify an emotion by how your body is feeling. 

If we look at philosophy, we also find very strong arguments for the fact that emotions are only necessarily linked to our thoughts, values and judgments and require no corresponding feeling in our body.  They are independent from bodily sensation.  For more on this, you need to read the early sections of Faithful Feelings.

That is good to know, because it means we need to be careful in figuring out one to one correlations with what we are feeling emotionally and what our body feels physically.  Our body relates to our emotions, but it relates to all manner of other things as well, so the signals it is giving us can be based on a combination of all kinds of things. 

On a  practical level, our emotions very often find expression in our bodies.  How our bodies feel can be used as one indicator of the intensity and nature of an emotion we are experiencing.  We can cry in sorrow or we can cry for joy  or we can cry because we just hit our thumb with a hammer – a person on the outside may interpret our tears as sorrow when in fact they are for happiness.  Only us, who know why we are crying, can correctly interpret the tears.  But even we need to be careful.  Are we crying over “spilled milk” (something minor) because it is really that upsetting, or is it because our bodies are stressed and exhausted?  Each situation requires its own unique analysis.  As we mature, we get better and better at figuring these things out quickly and correctly.

We need to recognize that we are complex, that we are so integrated that each part of us is so deeply interrelated – the rational, the physical, the emotional – that they are all always reacting to each other.  Sometimes, it is easy to tell how our emotions are affecting us physically.  Other times we need to do a little digging, even getting some help to unravel our feelings and emotions and learn how to be more mature emotionally and spiritually.  I believe that as we do that, we can undo some of the unhelpful links our mind has created between our bodies and our emotions – like we get sick to our stomach building toward an ulcer when we increase in anxiety -  while learning healthy emotional expressions in our body.  We need to learn to face hard emotions as emotions, not allowing them to destroy and harm our bodies as they have to leak out somewhere.  We can also learn healthy physical expressions for our love, joy as we let them out to bless our families and friends in laughter, hugs, or other forms of expression and affection.

Fear and Salvation

Brian recently wrote to us at Faithful Feelings about his fear and anxiety.  Here are some of his struggles in his own words, followed by our thoughts:

Dear Faithful Feelings,

I am working through your book primarily because of a struggle that has cropped up in my life in the last three years.  You can definitely lump me in with one of those long-time Christians who seems to have boatloads of head knowledge, but is seemingly incapable of getting much of what I know to sink in much below my neck.  I have the list of excuses, I came from an abusive, broken home where positive emotion was rarely, if ever, displayed, but where manipulation, anger, silence, and stoicism ruled the day.  I went through the typical cycles of alcohol and drug abuse and still struggle with pornography - a problem that started with my introduction to it at the age of 8, though thankfully I finally seem to be getting some victory over it after 30 years.

Oddly, my problem, and question, really doesn't have anything to do with my emptiness and lack of emotion, I understand that much of that comes from a detachment I developed in order to not have to deal with the pain that was a constant part of my experience growing up.

What is truly bothering me, and it really hit me hard while reading Chapter 7, was my feelings of FEAR toward God.  Why does this bother me?  Well, that's easy.  If my emotions are to be trusted and listened to, and if they are "true" then my feelings of unworthiness are true, even though my rational mind tries to reject them.  You have a quote by Jonathan Edwards that talks about maintaining a lack of "religious affection" that leads to "spiritual death" and eventually "eternal death".

Since this is what I fear, and these emotions are true and to be trusted, I don't know what to do.  There are times when I can see a cross and feel a great fear of judgment and hopelessness, when instead I should feel hope and joy at the grace that cross represents.  Instead, I want to cower in a corner and think about something else.

In this, I desperately feel like I want to believe my head, that I'm saved, covered by grace, and worthy, and Disbelieve my emotions, that I'm worthless, that I've blown it too many times, that I've hardened my heart and that I'm abandoned.

In many ways, your book has helped me a lot with what is, in my case, the more "benign" problem of simply feeling emotionally distant and disconnected.  On the other hand, this latter issue seems to lead me to feel even more emotions of condemnation and hopelessness because I need to "believe" what I feel.

Have you ever encountered this, and do you have any insight for me?

Brian

Here is our response:

Dear Brian,

I am so blessed to hear from you and I am so blessed by your honesty.  We all have deep struggles in a broken and sinful world.  For the first parts of your struggle, I believe that God can be faithful in opening your heart to feel again.  Start opening doors to everyday emotions, and ask God earnestly for more, that you need and want more love, more joy, more hope, more of Him.  Please write me again when you have finished the book – perhaps the next chapters will help in this regard.

For the paragraphs about fear, praise God, this is an easy answer.  As John writes to us:    ”I have written this to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life.”  My point in FEEL, which I hope you will see clearly, as your read on, is that emotions tell you the truth about YOU, your beliefs, your values, your thoughts – not that they always tell you the truth.  Many times they can tell you the truth about others or the world and we need to listen, but other times they are only speaking the truth about your beliefs and thinking.  I too battle feelings of anxiety and questioning of God’s promises and sometimes I am afraid.  And we all may be there sometimes until we are with Him. 

As John also tells us, we all remain sinners and whoever says he is without sin is a liar and deceives themselves.  You ARE covered by the grace and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He promises that even when we are faithless he remains faithful because he cannot deny himself.  It is tough, and a process, but you must work the head knowledge down into your heart.  Memorize promises that say how God really feels about you, call a friend in a down moment, talk to a pastor after church, find a good counselor, shoot me an email – do whatever it takes to begin to change those deeply held beliefs that inform the fear.  God has called you, God has found you, God has loved you with an everlasting love if you have believed on the Lord Jesus and accepted his sacrifice for your sins.   Come against the lies that our enemy tells, and work the truth into the fabric of your life.  As your faith and trust grows, as God’s truth is not just known but believed then your emotions will change.  This is a hard thing because it is not about what we say we believe but rather about what we actually believe deep down.  It may take some wrestling with God to get there, some brutal honesty about your hurt and anger and fear.  God is big enough to take it all and love you anyway as his precious child.  Nothing you can say to him will surprise Him, He already knows.  Let it all out and feel His loving embrace of comfort and acceptance.  He will come to heal you as you trust in Him- I believe.

Bless you Brian, and God be close to you.  With love and prayers.

Is the process the point?

I read both these quotes on the same day and was struck by them.  Is God trying to get through?  I am a task completer, want closure, need to have attained the goal.  But as life goes on, I learn how impossible that is in the total picture – the ebb and flow keeps ebbing and flowing even when I want to get done and get off.  The trees I trimmed last year, branches piled high by the street, need trimmed again this year.  But this time I cannot reach the branches covering my garden, I will need a ladder. 

Martin Luther found the same thing: “This life, therefore, is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness; not health but healing; not being, but becoming; not rest, but exercise.  We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.  The process is not finished but it is going on.  This is not the end, but it is the road.  All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified.”

The modern profit of spiritual formation, Dallas Willard has found the same.  “Without the gentle through rigorous process of inner transformation, initiated and sustained by the graceful presence of God in our world and in our soul, the change of personality and life clearly announced and spelled out in the Bible, and explained and illustrated throughout Christian history is impossible (Renovation of the Heart, 79).”

Take a deep breath, was that all one sentence?  Hold on for the run-on sentence, where was the editor for this one?  Or is that the point?  The run-on of the sentence is illustrating the process, its keeps going and going when we think we should be done.  Maybe I need to stop wanting to be done with this or that phase of spiritual growth and start resting in and enjoying the process.  When God says he is working all things for our good (Romans 8:28), maybe the good is not always a destination, as I think of – a good place to be - but rather the good of the process; who he is making me to be.  It is a good journey, a good process, a good path for me, even when I do not reach the good destination I thought I was headed toward.

FEEL and Love Languages

I received this comment from a Feel reader and liked it so I thought I would share it with you.

I’m reading Matthew’s book and enjoying it. I’m also reading “Boundaries for Teens”. It talks about feeling remorse versus guilt. I definitely fall into the guilt category thanks to my Irish Catholic upbringing. They mastered the art of guilt. Anyway, it got me to thinking about feelings.  Then I thought about “The Five Love Languages”. The purpose is to speak love to your husband, kids, whomever in their love language so that they can feel your love for them.

I think she is right, without love being an emotion, there could be no love languages!

My Friend is Robbed in Nigeria

Our good friend and co-worker Danny McCain and his family were robbed in their house at gun point in Jos, Nigeria this week.  I have had fellowship at his house.  I hope you can take the time to read, pray and be inspired.  Workers around the world need our prayers!  Danny, a fellow NT guy and PhD, has impacted tens of thousands in Africa in speaking, AIDs ministry, writing, and teaching over 20 years.  He is a personal hero to me.  Much love and peace and prayers to you and your family Danny!

Danny is living out joy in hard times in an amazing way.  Putting the faithfullness and provision of God above the attack and fear of man.

Read to the end and be inspired with God's provision!  You can give to replace stolen items at the address below.

From Dr. McCain (shared with permission):

24 May 2009
Friends.
   Greetings from Jos.
   We are sad to have to have to report to you that armed robberies came to our house last night (Saturday evening, 23 Mary 2009)..
    They entered the house about 9:15 in the evening, while we were returning from a party for 14 American exchange students that we had been attending directly across the street from us. There was no electricity at the time so they had hidden in the shadows until we opened the door.
   We had a full house at the time, including Carmen, Tassneem and of course Katrina Korb. In addition, two neighbor girls had helped to carry chairs back to our house and were with us during the robbery. There was somewhere between 5 and 7 of the armed robbers.
   We are grateful that no one was seriously injured.
   After some of the robbers had been in the house about 12 minutes, one of the ones outside spotted movement at the end of our rode and fired his gun at that movement. That movement happened to be our driver Thomas who was with two soldiers. One of the soldiers responded with a burst of automatic AK-47 gunfire. The robbers left immediately and escaped to the back of our house.
   Our losses were less this time. They got Katrina's laptop but left behind at least six more laptops. They got four mobile telephones, including both of mine. And they got about $200 in American currency and about $1000 in local currency. Since our earlier robbery two and a half years ago, we do not keep much money in the house but the robbers came on the day Mary had collected a good bit of money for the wheelchair fund.
  At about the ten minute mark, they started demanding the key to my jeep. However, honestly, I could not find it. They thought I was just delaying but I honestly could not find it. Katrina was sitting on the floor near where I was looking for the keys. She finally said, "'Take my car. It is better than the Jeep anyway." The next day when the daylight came, the key was right near the place I had been looking. Fortunately, the event ended before they could take any of our vehicles.
  Please be assured that we are OK. All of my family members are in good spirits. Katrina is doing very well as well. She has gone through the Jos crisis and now has passed through an armed robbery. She is truly a baptized IICS professor now--baptized by violence. We do not live in fear of these people. We have made a conscience decision that we will not allow the efforts of a few low-life losers to interrupt that joy of the Lord in our lives.
   We will write more later. However, continue praying. Pray for our ongoing protection and that of our colleagues. Pray for peace in the hearts of all those who were touched by this incident, including the 14 American exchange students, most of which were across the road when this incident took place. Pray that these men will be caught and that justice will prevail. Pray that God will help Nigeria to get beyond the circumstances that cause such things.
   God bless.
Grace and Peace!
Danny McCain

25 May 2009
Friends.
   Greetings from Jos.
   I want to write you a note to assure that we are all fine after the robbery on Saturday night. We have received such an outpouring of love and support from our friends here in Nigeria. We now have four soldiers who are guarding my house. I think that is probably enough. Today all the principal officers of the university came to see us including the vice chancellor (like the president), the two deputy vice chancellors, the registrar and the bursar (the chief financial officer).
   God has helped us so much that we have been able to laugh a lot about the incident and I must confess that there have been a few tears shed as well. The emotions go up and down but we have decided that if you have to experience an armed robbery, we will take this one. There were so many ways this could have been worse.
   I have said many times that if you can see little indications that God was obviously with you in a time of trouble, then that in itself helps you get through these problems. Last time, God intervened in a special way to save Mary's computer which was a special blessing from God for her. There have also been several such indicators during this incident.

1. My neighbor who heard the initial gunshot and called the soldiers to come and help us had only gotten the telephone number of the soldiers that same day, just a few hours before the robbery.

2. The last thing the robbers asked for was the key to my Jeep (Hyundai Galloper). I had put on Nigerian attire before the incident and the key was still upstairs in my regular trouser pockets. When I looked for the second key, I could not find it. I looked for at least a minute and finally dumped out all of the keys on the table to search for them. I never did find it. The next morning, Katrina found the key right where I had been looking. My inability to find the key saved my jeep. Surely that was the hand of the Lord.

3. There were dozens of valuable things that the thieves overlooked, including at least six laptop computers, cameras and so many other valuable things.

4. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this to me was the way the Lord prepared me for it. For a little over ten years I have been slowly reading through the Bible in my own personal quiet time. And I have been using this time to take many notes on my personal study of the Bible. I have written close to 4000 pages of notes during these years. For the last several days, I have been reading and meditating on the passage in 2 Corinthians 6:1-9. And on that Saturday morning, I spent all of my time focusing on verse 8. I am going to record below the verses and then part of the observations that I jotted down 14 hours before this robbery occured.

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5 in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6 in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8 through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9 known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

The following were part of my written thoughts on the morning of the robbery.

“Dying, yet Alive.”

Paul says specifically “dying, and yet we live on.” I do not think that Paul was actually dying but he was in danger of dying. He was facing dying on a somewhat regular basis. Those who are really aggressive in their ministries to promote the gospel will face death more than others, if they are really on the front line.

I do not believe that I face death from people who are deliberately trying to kill me. However, I do recognize that I face death every time I get out on the highways. I am sure that the biggest threat that I face is injury or death on the highways. Of course, there is always the danger of some tropical disease or death from armed robbery or death from some other act of violence. Certainly we all live in mortal bodies that will someday die either from natural causes or a premature death.

However, at this time I am very alive and well and I am grateful to God for sparing me. My cousin, Ronnie Reed, who is just about my age is gone. Some of our classmates and friends who are my age, have left this world over the years. So I am grateful to God for sparing my life to the age of 58 and giving me so many wonderful opportunities to do things and to serve God in such a unique manner.

“Beaten and yet not killed”

Paul was obviously beaten several times. He was beaten in Lystra and he was beaten in Philippi. He was also apparently beaten in Jerusalem. Yet, he survived and continued his ministry.

Lord, I have never been beaten for the sake of the gospel. That is not necessarily something that I want to experience. I would just as soon enjoy the respect of people and continue to be a blessing to believers. It is much more unlikely that a person involved in discipleship, like myself, will be beaten than someone who is involved in raw evangelism. Those kinds of person are right out there on the front line, attacking the devil’s territory so there are certainly more likely to be attacked and beaten.

Lord, you have taken good care of me over the years for which I am thankful. I pray that you will continue to protect my health and my body. Spare me from beatings if possible and help me to enjoy a long life so that I can continue to serve you.

Thank you Lord, for all things. Amen.

We have really appreciated your emails and phone calls that assure us of your prayers. Please continue to pray for us. We will continue to keep you updated.

Grace and Peace!
Danny

PS: After getting about 10 hours of electricity for the past week, we have had almost constant electricity for the last 30 hours or so. That certainly has a way of making you feel more secure.

If anyone wants to make a contribution toward helping us recover, they can send it to International Institute for Christian Studies, P. O. Box 12147, Overland Park, KS 66282-2147. Please indicate that this is for McCain Robbery.

Obedience and feeling ... good, bad, indifferent.

"If you love Me you will do what I command ... My command is this: love one another." John 14 & 15.  "If your child comes to you disobedient, troubled, irritating ... love him/her; if a muslim walks into your church, love him/her ... " PastorCarl Buffington, New Covenant Church.  "The least remembered of the 10 Commandments is 'Honor your mother and father'", Dennis Rainey, Real Family Life.

So what does it mean to be obedient, to honor, to love?  To follow "my Father's commands"?  Listen to that 'nudge' and follow through...follow directions...do what my spouse asks in a timely manner...do not lie, ever...do not cheat, ever. Be kind to that irritating person or love that irritating person? And what about the 'white lies' or the sarcastic, goofing around kind of cheating or the bending of the rules like '7 miles over the speed limit is okay'?

Obedience is no easy task ... simple maybe, but not easy. Since 2006, I have felt compelled to start a skate boarding minisry in honor and rememberance of our son Luke.  For those of you who do not know, Luke died suddenly in 2005 from Ehlers Danlos (VEDS). Luke was a skater, I was a fearful "sk8 mom" and was blessed when a Christian Skate DVD fell into my hands. We were successful in teaching Luke about being a light in a dark world; we trust that Luke is skating with Jesus eternally.

I do not look like a skater, nor does my husband.  I have picked up a few words here and there like 'sweet', 'sick', 'dude' (still works), 'gnarly' (yep, that word is still around), and 'cool' (of course).  But only a few, I do not dress like a skater, and sometimes all the tatoos find me staring too long at an arm or leg.  And yet, I have heard from God that we are to "love even these"...I have heard to "build a fortress (community)to protect our youth (skaters)" ... obedience, honor, love. 

So for over 3 years, we have been trying to build something to love and protect.  There have been many days where I have questioned this command, I have ignored the stuff I was being nudged about or have pushed hard to do it my way and not wait for God to provide the way. I have been discouraged, ignored, laughed at (bad feelings) ... I have ignored, put on the back burner, 'not now'-ed (indifferent feelings) ... and I have been encouraged, supported, built up, helped (good feelings).

Yesterday we successfully had our first "free sk8" ... we provided free everything for any skater that showed up.  Admission to the skate park, free hot dogs, chips, water, energy drinks, gatorade, t-shirts, decks, stickers ... really, not one thing did we charge for ... we just smiled, shown brightly, and gave a day of fun. And this morning, filled with mixed up feelings, I am preparing for a meeting with our team and board to discuss, pray about and discern 'just how often can we do this?'

Being obedient does not always feel good.  Being obedient often stinks. Especially while we are making the decision to be obedient ... and yet, "if you love me, do as my Father commands".  "Feel" is about dealing with good and bad feelings while following His commands. It is about learning to use our emotions (good or bad) to become a light in our dark world. To make our dark world a loving and beautiful place for others...to be in relationship with others, to love one another.  So when have you struggled with obedience and feelings, good, bad or indifferent?

Bad Day Blog

This was an unusual morning for me – pack lunches, take kids to school through really bad construction traffic where we were held up for :20 as they grind down the road bed for repaving, try to help Laura who is sick in bed.  Get home, and there are still dishes from last night.  Why are there dishes from last night?

There are several answers to that question.  Laura came home cooked dinner, wonderful marinated chicken for me to grill and broccoli casserole …  and promptly got sick.  She is now up in bed, OK?  I am giving Evan his spelling test, grilling chicken, having the kids set the table outside as it such a beautiful day.  Chicken was done and I had the casserole in my hands being held by the small handles through pot-holders.  The thought crossed my mind, “I should have Cailin get the door open for me.”  I promptly decided I was up to the challenge and reached for the door handle.  The slippery dish fell out of my hands with no problem smashing to the floor - broccoli casserole and broken pottery are now all over, right down into the floor heating vent and onto a floor rug.  I spend the next :30 cleaning while the kids eat – taking the long way around to the front door to get in and out of the house as the back is totally blocked by the mess.  At lease my boys had their first unsupervised experience in grilling chicken.  First load of laundry is Laura’s clothes from being sick and floor rug.

Jackson is to have his first experience putting Cailin to bed as Laura groans from the other room while I go off to swimming for Evan.  I come back late, after 9, only to be told by Jackson that our dog Buddy has thrown up as he was eating rabbit droppings in the back yard – and I thought our dog was smart.  Second load of laundry goes in the washer, no time to do dishes.

Thankfully, at swimming, I read Renovation of the Heart.  One of Willard’s points was that we sin because we are sinners.  It isn’t that we just happened to do one bad thing, but that we are bad – it comes from who we are.  I can tell you that some of the thoughts that went through my mind and attitudes I had through the evening proved that point very well.  I did not blow up, I did not swear, everything looked okay on the outside.  But my spiritual reality was not what it should be because I am not who I should be.  Perhaps God refined me through a sick wife, rabbit dropping eating dog, and huge kitchen mess more than 2.5 Bible studies and 5 praise choruses.  That is spiritual formation, God wants to point us to who we are on the inside so he can remake and remove and reform.  Am I totally surrendered to God, seeking him above all else - my own pleasure, status or ease?  Did I clean and drive kids and all that remembering that God plans my days, that God was in control or was I thinking of all the things I would rather and should be doing instead?  When nobody sees, do I live to bring glory to God even in the midst of frustrating circumstances?

Getting Mad, Jealous, or Upset with your Spouse and Numbers 5

My wife read these words to me from Numbers 5 early this morning as we both took some time in God’s Word.  This may just be the most unusual passage to write a devotional on yet – for me anyway.  It goes against our western sensibilities.

“Then the LORD said to Moses,  “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act),  and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure — or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure —  then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.” …

The passage goes on for some time to describe a ritual that is meant to bring the matter to conclusion for both parties, proving guilt or innocence.  It is a protection for the accused and the accuser.  If the woman is not guilty the jealous guy need to put the jealousy behind him and move on, the whole community will know of his false accusation and he will be more careful in the future.  If guilty, a curse is pronounced on the unfaithful spouse and the man is vindicated.

My wife and I talked about the passage, and she pointed out the implications for our understanding of emotion.  Look how seriously God takes jealousy, there is a good chance it is pointing to the truth.  There is no brushing aside the feeling without a thorough analysis.  At the same time, there is room to prove the emotion and the man wrong – emotion can show the truth but does not necessarily show it.  There is also resolution, there is not to be a stewing, an incessant dripping, a holding on to doubt.  The matter and the emotion is to be confronted and dealt with right away in the strongest terms.

Kind of an unorthodox and strange passage to find truth about emotion but there it is.  A few simple truths shine through clearly, especially as we work to build strong marriages and relationships:

1) Confront what seem to be hard and even dangerous emotions head on, do not sit and stew.

2) Involve your spouse and even your community when dealing with them.

3) Both parties need to be ready to either find truth in the emotion, or if it does not line up with the facts, to forgive and move on.

These are the steps that build relationships.  Pushing down hard emotions, holding onto negative feelings, or letting them out violently without taking steps toward a final resolution are all bad ideas.  If we learn to handle hard emotions in a relationship well, that will go a long way toward building a great relationship.